February and March were pretty ugly for me. For us I suppose because Ryan is really sweet at entering into hard things with me, but mostly just on my end.
I started the job I was really excited about working as a pediatric RN. And quickly, very quickly, learned what a terrible fit it was. Not my patient or the actual nursing work...that part I ADORED!!!!! I would assess, give meds, chart, learn ventilators etc all day long.
Nursing is clearly my calling and something I remain very passionate about.
But what was so hard was the hours I was working. I worked 11 pm - 7 am twice a week and I really thought that would be a great fit for our family. I would leave after dream feeding Gideon and be back shortly after he woke up in the morning.
But the night shift wreaked absolute havoc on my health. Like alarmingly and abnormally so.
Crazy migraines, joint swelling all over my body, dizziness to the point of near black-outs, nausea that wouldn't subside, fatigue that is totally disproportionate to my sleep, and tremendous amounts of anxiety knowing these symptoms are coming.
I tell myself that I'm clearly not a wimp since I birthed a baby naturally and all ;) At least that comforts me a little. The symptoms truly scared and concerned me and honestly were making me an unfit night nurse. It took days to recover from a single shift so not only was I compromising my health and actual RN abilities but I wasn't a present mama and wife at home.
It was miserable for everyone.
I submitted my 2 weeks notice and left this job after just 6 weeks...and it's pretty disappointing to say that. I'm not sure what happens now since my manager (who was non-clinical and could not understand the safety side of these physical side effects as an RN) was pretty
unprofessional/furious unhappy with me. But that's a whole other mess.
All that to say, here is where I've landed:
I'm really glad that I had the night experience even just for a small while because it showed me what I can take on as a nurse and mama. I'm so aware now of making sure I shadow future positions to know exactly what the environment and hours are like and how I'll respond. The learning curve has been tremendous and I've honestly bummed pretty hard about it not working out
I've played every mental game there is..."that now my resume is wrecked, there will never be a good nursing fit for me, what a wimp I am" etc etc etc...LIES!!! But I know the Lord has another job in mind for my future when ever that is! For now I am recovering from a month of horrible symptoms which led to a nasty batch of a flu turned cold. Bah!
It's a privilege to stay home exclusively with Gideon right now and I'm SOOOO thankful for a husband who has set us up financially where I don't have to work. It's a dream of mine to work again, and in the near future, as an RN so until then I'm learning from this sour experience and remaining hopeful for what's next!
Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand