Monday, August 27, 2012

Run Away Spouse Syndrome

"Wow you've stayed through all this!  Amazing!"

"I commend you for not leaving during this time."

"We've seen a lot of spouses leave so it's refreshing to see that you're still here!"

Lately, I am really zeroing in on this phenomenon that people express a type of genuine surprise when they find out the difficulties of Ryan's health battle...and that I stayed.

Does this strike anyone else as totally disturbing?

Shouldn't we as individuals and as a culture be surprised when spouses leave?!  Not when they stay!

 I felt my wifely pride puff up a bit the first time a hospital staff congratulated me on my bravery for not abandoning my husband.  Then the next comment from someone came about surprise that a 23 year old would stick with her sick husband, and that furrowed my brow a bit.  But when the comments became more regular I think I got just down right pissed!

Who on this Earth leaves their spouse and abandons their marriage when the sickness, the poverty, the worst comes up?  Shame on them.

I just can't sugar coat this topic; understanding the motives or excuses of a run away spouse is incomprehensible to me.  It's not acceptable.

Picturing my husband consumed with pain and all alone, stumbling to the bathroom in the middle of the night... breaks my heart.
Thinking about him in all those offices, through all those exams, experiencing unthinkable pain...breaks my heart.
Packing my bags and not looking back while Ryan is ill, bed bound, broken, unstable, scared, confused...breaks my heart.

That he would be abandoned for not being perfect...breaks my heart.

There have been so many times in the last 5 months where Ryan couldn't have done it alone.  He needed his wife, his friend, his help meet in the pain and emotional turmoil.  I have served as his driver, his cook, his comfort, his advocate, and his unofficial nurse.  And it is not even that he NEEDED me for those things, it's that he should EXPECT those things of me.  And I of him.

I am not going anywhere husband, although I think you already knew that.  I am up for the midnight bathroom runs, the random ER visits, and the next scary surgeries and all the doctor's visits for years to come.  I am here for the difficult, for the hard, for the unpleasant, for the scary.  

Because you and I are one flesh completely inseparable.  We are not designed to do this, or any other thing in life, alone.  I know and accept that this season of unbearable might be here for awhile.  But I look with anticipation to the days of joyful, beautiful, adventurous, and healthy.  If I can't stick around for the hard, then I don't deserve you in the ease.

The Run Away Spouse Syndrome just won't do.  I just won't accept it from anyone else or from our culture.  I don't want to hear shenanigans from people congratulating me about being a good spouse for staying.  It's not heroic to stay committed to something you said you will do.   It's simply your covenant bond of marriage manifesting for God's glory and as a testament to Christ's love. 

Jesus stayed committed through our worst, and it's any spouse's goal to follow in his lead.  The Run Away Spouse Syndrome just won't cut it, because we don't serve a Run Away God...and He is the one who WILL root you firmly right where you are meant to be.

21 comments:

  1. Totally agree!! The day we said our wedding vows we all vowed to love the other person "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish till death parts us." How much clearer is it than that?!? I appreciate your view of your situation and your acceptance of what you are going through. What a testimony to those around you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sandra! I love that you are sticking to your vows and you are right...how much more clear can it get?! You are great!

      Delete
  2. Amen! It's sickening how little people's vows mean to them these days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stacey I totally agree! Serious marriage vows are not meant for those seeking comfort or ease. They are hard to stick to but more worth it than anything! But geeze, come on American married people! Get it together and stick with marriage. I feel exasperated and heart broken and totally confused as to how leaving/divorce became so acceptable. We need to examine what is wrong with the cultural expectation of marriage (obviously not a good model!) and better evaluate how God designed it, because He is the only one who can help us make it work.

      Delete
  3. Preach it Girl! I literally was saying that out loud as I read this. I was like "yes yes amen" with this very serious face on, my families like "uhh is everything okay?" lol
    It is ridiculous that one of the most common and remembered vow is "in sickness and in health" yet so quickly forgotten once disaster hits! I agree you should not be commended for sticking by your husband, you vowed to do that! Thanks for being a reality check to this generation! Vows mean something! They aren't just a Hollywood script!Yo go GIRL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vee you are the MOST encouraging! Echoing your amens from here and grateful for your support!

      Delete
  4. Yes, Yes, Amen!!

    Carly I think this is the best thing you've ever written. So full of truth and so vulnerable. Loving the things Jesus loves and hating the things Jesus hates. I love how you and Ryan honor God in your commitment. I deeply admire you guys, because it's so so so clear that you are open handedly living surrendered to Jesus. I see Him in you sweet Carly! I want every married couple I know to read this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angi your words are seriously the most encouraging I have ever read. You're always spurring me on and I am so grateful. I hope Jesus just grows anything good in our marriage and weeds out anything bad. I know we have a long way to go but it seems He has made us very passionate about commitment ;)

      Delete
  5. hey is that a photo from your wedding day? if so thats a gorgeous shot! Wow!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes! it is :) one of my favorite. it's the only one we have framed in our house.

      Delete
    2. absolutely stunning! I actually just got a chance to fully view your site yesterday...very nice, I really enjoyed myself! :)

      Delete
  6. Carly that was so encouraging! Thanks for being real and saying what is true! I don't think I've ever posted on one of your blogs, but I just have to say that I have been praying for y'all for a long time and have been reading your blog for a very long time, also! I was one of the many other students who went to South Africa in 2008 with Ryan and I have to say that I am SO glad he ended up with a wife like you because you have been amazing for him! :) (Also, my husband, Scott, and I are actually raising support to join Angi, Austin, and Laura on staff with Master Plan Ministries in Denver! I hear they just LOVE y'all, so maybe we'll get the chance to get together sometime with you and Ryan when we move over there!)Thanks again for sharing this important message today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Natalie I for sure want to hang out!! We'll be praying support comes in super fast. So pumped you'll be in Denver and so honored to have you reading here lady :)

      Delete
  7. A lot of people get caught up in planning the wedding or picking out the cake , they don't really realize what a marriage really means at the time. For better or worst , sickness or health , and till death do us parts are the most powerful statements that we say in our vows and everyone should really understand them before walking down the aisle . I have heard horribles stories of spouses leaving their love one during the time of need. There is no excuse for that at all , Sometimes we find out who really loves us when it comes down to it. You find out who your friends really are and how dependable are the people around you . Before,I walked down the aisle, someone asked me , Are you ready? Are you REALLY ready? The devil is always trying to break down what God creates. Carly, You are simply awesome and inspires me everyday!!! May the Lord bless you and Ryan everyday!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH my goodness Kay you are SO right! The wedding hoopla is what hooks so many and we forget about the marriage and covenant piece of it. The devil is just dancing when it comes to the American mentality of "run when it's hard" and we just can't stand for that as wives (or any spouse)! Love standing next to you as a firm believer and godly wife--your model and words are powerful. Amen to being ready and then responsible and dependable for God's glory.

      Delete
  8. I cannot imagine Ryan going through this Crohn's battle without you. My heart goes out to anyone that is trying to battle this disease without a loved one and a strong advocate. As a mother I also find peace of mind knowing that Ryan would also be there for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's so true mom! Ryan would be an excellent advocate for me if I'm every unhealthy. Anyone with Crohn's needs and deserves EXCELLENT love and support. Plus YOU are so good to us too that Ryan said he will move in with you anyway :) Thanks for supportive of us!

      Delete
  9. Amen sista! Love this post. You are right... and he would do the same thing for you if you were in his situation. Without question!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He would!!! I know he would. I love marriage. Just love it!

      Delete
  10. I can't agree more. In fact, I daresay, I look FORWARD to that understanding. There is no better way to show love than be a servant. And, as I look to my upcoming wedding, I look forward to saying that proudly. Thanks, Carly, for sharing this. It's been really encouraging to see how both of you have done throughout this

    ReplyDelete
  11. Your word should be your creed. I agree with you guys completely; divorce is disgusting, lazy ,and selfish. You guys are how it is supposed to be.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...